Change is Gonna Come, Oh Yes it Will

Being back in my hometown is officially wearing itself out. at first, I was excited to attend meetings of my own, make friends in the program, sleep in, drive my own car, and enjoy Whataburger every second I get. I wasn’t sure where the mundane, vomitty feeling was rising from or whether it was PMS or malnourishment. But then I started realizing that I’ve been focusing a great deal on my home life. So much so that I let go of focusing on my goals. I find that I get irritated when my dad gets on my ass about having a five year plan, but why? Why don’t I have a single clue about where I want to be in five years? I was planning on getting in shape, digging into my program, and enlisting in the Army, but I know there is a possible barrier when it comes to ex-rehab clients’ desire to serve the country. However, the answer is always no when I don’t try. My dad says I should finish college first, and I refuse to go back to San Marcos around all my old connections and relapse. Even if I transfer closer to home, the anxiety that arises from anticipated school-related stress should not stop me from pursuing any viable dreams.

Change is coming. I have made many attempts to make my old ways and my will work, and it’s really time that I do the exact opposite. I know I can’t stay in this plateau much longer without wanting to keel over and die. What I can’t do is stop relying on my higher power to guide me in His will, nor should I stop relying on my libra qualities of balancing both sides of every situation and being honest about how I feel without without covering my desires for what they truly are. Ambivalence has no place in my life right now. I want to stay focused, determined, and move forward. I am letting people into my life, I am opening my options for employment, and someone very dear to me told me that my heart is expanding and that I will spread more good in this world, and frankly, that’s what I intend to do. I just have to learn to let go of reservations, and be more willing to make myself as useful as possible to God and my fellows.

Staying in the present moment has helped me take action in directions that bring me joy. Should change come extremely fast and leave me breathless, It is time that I roll my sleeves up and take care of my shit.