You know when you’re at a bar, fairly plastered, and you run into an old friend and suddenly the two of you are calling each other sisters, slurring “I love you’s” and making extravagant plans? That’s basically how I feel coming back. When I get invited somewhere I immediately tell myself that no matter what my intentions are in the moment, I will inevitably wake up and decide to waste the hours watching One Piece and stuffing my face with- well in this case- dried fruits and nuts (seriously, where are the good snacks in this house?!)
Today, I had to remind myself that I am not that person anymore. Today, I woke up with a clear head and decided to follow through with plans because I’m not hungover or sleep deprived. Today, I did everything I said I would do. Today, I attended the baby shower of an old, close friend. Today, I can tell the story of the awkwardness of… well, being me.
I approached the steps of Michelle’s* house, and pretended I didn’t see the crowd of chatty soccer moms following me to our destination close behind me. My mind was overflowing with flickering thoughts. Is anyone from high school going to be here? What will I say when they ask me why I was California? Am I the only one without a gift? I knocked on the door and waited, empty-handed, with the ‘Linda’s and Peggy’s’ behind me holding bundles of thoughtful gifts and balloons. When no one answered, I let myself in, and and turned to see the ladies gawking at me as if I had just busted through the window. I was relieved to see Michelle’s familiar smile and her mom. As I pulled away from the grandma-to-be, she gave my arm a little squeeze and cheerfully asked, “Would you like a mimosa?” Damn.
I accepted a bottled water and went straight to the food as more Linda’s and Peggy’s arrived. Quickly, I realized I was the only one who didn’t know the rest of the party guests and made close friends with the fruit platters and pita chips with hummus. It wasn’t until I was on helping number three that I realized I was the only one eating, and the rest of the gals were patiently waiting on the food that was in the oven as they chatted about the next 5k they’re going to run and sipping their mimosas.
Despite my awkwardness, I was banking on the fact that I would come out of my shell when we played games. That was until I recognized that if the shower started at 2pm and we haven’t busted out the games by 3pm, there probably weren’t going to be any. So I plopped by ass on the couch and played games on my phone while Michelle answered the same questions repeatedly to each of her mom’s friends.
At some point I had to consider the fact that not only had I shown up with no gift, I was also being a total downer. Michelle and I have had our good times and our bad times, and today we can laugh about the times we got caught getting high and being confronted by police now that we’re both in recovery. She is really the only one who I’ve known who truly gets it. And if I had any real chance of maintaining a friend in this wacky transition, I needed to make myself useful. I took pictures of her opening gifts and started cracking my greatest puns at the best moments (they were actually so bad I had to bury them in my mind, but hey the momma’s love it). Really, the day wasn’t about my awkwardness. It wasn’t about the mimosas. It’s about Michelle and her baby boy. It’s about rekindling a friendship. It’s about the wonderful fellowship of AA. It’s about the fact that even though it feels like a full circle ending, being back with my old best friend, it is actually not an ending at all. We both are starting completely over. We have the unknown ahead of us. She is someone I can talk to when I’m being nagged by my parents about my program, I can discuss my steps and attend meetings with her. She understands that coming back to our hometown is stressful and that sometimes I need to pull myself out of my house and have some laughs and good conversations. And today, I realized that I am blessed and extremely grateful to have her back in my life.
P.S. Thank you so much to everyone who read and messaged me about yesterday’s blog post! Don’t hesitate to share with your friends and keep coming back! 😉
(some will understand what I did there)
Dymond Sam 